Like me.Love me.Hate me.

couldn't go for trg today as there will be no one at home to look after my temp-partially-handicapped mom at home.sister's gone to cali gym, dad's gone for a course, me? supposed to have trg, but i guess they think its the least impt. so i guess i have to do the sacrifice then.

(don't know if jasmine remembered to tell linda that i'm not going. Hopefully she did.)

wonder how was their trg today.issit the same w/o me?? i wonder.

back at home same old stuff again.

wake up. breakfast.newspaper. housework.housework.housework.(with a lil games in btwn)

all the housework made my rough hand even rougher than before. with all the chemicals and stuff.... wonder which girl will ever hold my hands tightly again?

being maid today is a lil vexing and mentally challenging.

why?

can u imagine after doing abt an hr plus of toliet cleaning and stuff and u finally get to sit down. u have to get up and cook lunch? argh!!!!

after lunch hafta clear up EVERYTHING.

not complaining here. jus showing how challenging housework can be!

finally got to play a lil ps2. next came tonics.hafta prepare and stuff... after that more housework.

tired after all these but i can't go and take a nap. in case my mom needs me.
(by far thats the most challenging task i have to do!!!!)

the weather is also another factor. with the sweltering heat. melting down ur mental strength, making ur eyebags so heavy that u feel like closing your eyes and take a nap. but NOOOoooOO ... i can't. have to endure!!!!

all for the sake of mom. jus so that she could recover faster. man... i'm so proud of myself sometimes. haahahaha...

finally my dad's back from his course!!DINNER!!!!

okok gtg and gorge on my dinner now!!!ciaos..

*peace out....*

-------------------------

the weather was so so so hot and sunny yesterday.
lucky for the tanning oil, or i will prob end up like one dehydrated cucumber.
but after the girls trg, i had to do OT, and cox for the guys.its all been gd. end up with a nice red/brown tan after everything.

3 more weeks to regatta. better peak now or never!!!! gotta wack serious gym when skool starts.(hopefully i will carry out what i have jus said)

dinner at pwd was satisfying, and worth every single cent. had a hearty meal and even free takeaways!!! hahaha.....(shhhhh.... dun tell anyone abt it eh?)

anyways was kinda bored playing games jus now so i went blog hopping. hopped to Janice(whom i think prefers to be called janise now) blog and visited her love diary. reminded me of the old times i had with XX. can relate some of the stuff there to mine. but whats over is over eh? seems to me that putting everythin behind me is near impossible. at that particular moment.i jus felt an urge to open up my memories drawer. its actually a drawer that contains many memorable stuff. letters from buddies, sistas, even love letters. lil somethin we shared. everything's inside. then i took out a metal container where i had put all the letters and notes i had during my sec sch period. brought me back lots of nice and somehow pleasant memories.( i even laughed to myself after rading some of it. reminds me that i'm such a loser in love, some thing never change eh?)

my heart is so so so fragile and weak. mind is so powerless to old memories. i'll crumble under all these. matters of the heart will have the biggest blow on me.

a chinese saying, do not care abt what u have now, remember what u had before.( pardon the translation.) i myself don't really belief in that crap. it doesnt work on me.

so so so sad. sad because my heart is such a prey to all these feelings.my heart is so fickle, so weak.

maybe my heart have to go thru all these torture so that it will become stronger? (hafta admit that when it comes to feelings and relationship, i might lose out to a girl.)i'm emotionally weak.

anyways enuf of the love shit.

been tormented my the word love. twisted by the harshness of reality.

when will i get over it? only time will tell.

jus when i mentioned abt falling in love with someone's smile the day before yesterday, not i'm talkng abt stuff that happened way before. told ya... my heart is weak.(not in terms of disease and stuff)

anyways.....

gotta focus on my studies and trg. skool's reopening on monday. no more waking up at lunch time. no more day long gaming. studies, trg, regatta(for those who don't know, its NPDB's upcoming race.) and hopefully, a new love will blossom??

can't wait to see my dysfunctional class once again. missed all of my buds.

**peace out...****

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its been a week since i blogged.

its been the same old week as the others. mom and training. mom and training. i've pushed away so many parties that i feel so so so guilty and sorry. sry to all those who had called me out for meet-ups and parties. i'm really sry. a man gotta do what a man gotta do rite?

trainings been good. i think. the girls are improving and i'm happy. issit because of me and ah bao's training? i hope so.

it's also been one of the very very extraordinary week. because i heard of a news that SOMEONE in the team decided to do something foolish, something so foolish that it'll cause so much trouble that he could not imagine. so much shit right up to his nose. he decided to brag, boast, criticise.. everything the coach has told us not to. he practically made enemies with all the institution u can think of. NYP,SP,TP,RP... u name it u got it.

that GUY, i think didn't even use his brains before he even post or type his entry on his blog.i was so so so furious when i heard of it. and man... it could be an event of the century to see me.... getting all fired up and ready to do some cursing and swearing on someone. but lucky him. he finally used some part of his brains,(i don't know where) to delete his entry. (Note to him: now u know how it feels to be criticised in the public?) even after he deleted it, i am still angry abt it, up till now. pple might have forgiven him, but me? i dun think its over, i anticipate somemore "things" up his sleeve.(jus a feeling, prove me wrong then)

he had made countless enemies overnight, somehow or another i'm part of it. forgive me if u think that i'm petty or that hating ur team mate is wrong. its jus hard to forgive someone after he had done such cruel stuff. all i can say now to him is, pray hard that ur team mates, most of them, wil forgive u.

anways, enuf of that despicable guy, talking abt him makes my blood boil.

at least something good happened to me last week.

hahaha.... something real good.

i think.... i think... i am starting to fancy this girl. feels good. but don't really know if i should let this feeling continue, let my feelings bring me further. i really don't know.don't know if she fancies any other guy. i wonder, why is this sweet looking girl not attached or dating?? i wonder.lots of qns goin thru ma mind.

here's somethin abt her.....

she has the prettiest smile that will warm anyone's hard. a strong determination. a sweet looking face of a girl next door. guess what? she's in my girls team! hahaha...
(no price for guessing who she is)

anyways... lets hope something good will come out of it.

*peace out...*

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yesterday's trg was good.
can't say much more.

went to AL-AZHAR to have dinner.

tried out NASI GORENG AL-AZHAR, seems to me that that was one of their specialities. indeed! it looks all delicious and mouth watering when it came, chilli prawns by the side, fish crackers on above the rice. the fried rice, fried to near perfection, accompanied by a healthy dose of vegs and chicken meat. everything complimenting one another.(sounds like some ad for the dish eh? ) but looks can be decieving. i had to peel my own prawns.talking abt that, we talked abt guys who peel prawns for their girls and stuff. had got really interesting. by the way, i'm one of those guys that are willing to peel prawns for their girls. so it took me quite a feat and sometime to peel everythin b4 settling down to eat. one bite into the fried rice with the crackers, sent my tastebuds into cloud 9. came to the prawns, it was HELL!!!! it was so so so spicy, practically killed all my cells in my mouth. but i'm jus those people that can't really eat much chilli but jus love eating it.(weird eh?)

anyways, the chilli prawns brought me to tears eventually. i was like perspiring all over and tearing. in those tears , there are some tears that are for real, real tears not because of the food, but because i was thinkin of my mom's situation, my mom's like all sucessful,smooth sailing career. now bounded by a walking frame. it brought me to tears thinkin of that. hope she'll get better very soon. SHULING, JESSICA and LINDA being sweeties offered their drinks to "extinguish" the "flames" burning on my tongue. LINDA later went to buy a giant slurpee, i had never been so happy to see a slurpee!!! immediately slurped up a giant mouthful of iced syrup. it seems like heaven to me at that time.(thanks LINDA!!)

later gorged on QIJIA's food, followed by some pisang prata. then finished up half of the slurpee.(sry linda) think i'm gonna have a real hard time crapping tmr. it'll be like crapping fire!!! hahaa...... till then.

**anyways this is 1 of the 3 posts i jus posted. scroll down for more.)

sometimes i really hope there's someone there for me to fall on when i break down.
but it seems that, i'm on my own. falling into and eternal darkness.whom can i turn to when i'm down? there used to be someone.

anyways,
the girls team are doing good.
can see them improving. happy for all of them.
juniors keep up the good work. seniors work harder!
i wonder frm time to time, whether their performance is due to the person training them, or coxing them. because it seems that they perform better with coach or wilson arnd. with me? sometimes only. why? puzzles me too.am i really doing such a lousy job? i need someone to tell me.

u need pple to scold you girls before u girls can perform? i tried my best. it doesn't seem to work in anyway. i'm hopeless.

been really busy these few weeks.

mom's been in hospital for arnd 3 weeks. day after day w/o fail, i would turn up beside her bed. feeding her. helping her arnd. accompanying her. i can spend the whole day jus sitting there doin nothin but jus lookin after her. maybe its because when my mom's pregnant for 9 months, the pain and suffering she went thru, its the least i could do. but the most furious thing is that if i missed out 1 day, w/o visiting my mom, my dad will start irritating me by saying that, " do u know your mom's still on hospital?", makes it as if i have always stayed at home doin my stuff. irritates the shit outta me. i can even sacrifice a lil time of training, arrive a lil late, spend more time with my mom. then i'll get all the warnings once again, punishments. everything's falling on me. dug out my savings to support my own transportation fees. rushin down to GLENEAGLES, and then rushin down to kallang or skool, even if its like spending half an hr beside her, i didn't complain. scoldings and punishments, guilt of always arrving late, everything's on ma shoulder.
yet on the other hand, my older sis. seems like she couldn't be bothered much. carried on her usual schedule, outings. skool. fun.

i had to cancel lots of meet-ups, parties. hospital,training. these are the things that kept me drained out.

then my mom's discharged.a few days b4 that, it seems like my sis can't really bother much abt that. she said she had a test, but it doesn't seem so to me. her usual msn-msging lasted till late night, w/o seeing her studying or such. then came the day when she is gonna be discharged. where's my sister when i woke up like 7 am in the morning? sleeping like a log at home, reason: skool. can't take a lil time off? arrive a lil late for class? doesn't seem so.

(up till this point, i'm not saying that i'm like some very filial son, or that my sis is not. i'm jus relating what actually happened. its up to u to judge)

reached there at arnd 9. and guess what? the doc said he'll reach at 10. guess what time he decided to send my mom to the clinic? 1 pm. once again irritated the crap outta me. i was like complaining over and over again. blardy doc.

now my mom's at home. more work. 1 lesser person to do housework. more "burden" onm me. dad's a lil busy with work and with mom. couldn't blame. sis? busy with ? lets not talk abt her. granny's not home for the time being. granny's sister jus passed away.(dun really know whats the proper way to address her) all the housework? me. i didn't really do ALL of them, if i did, i'll probably die halfway.

now that everyone's back at home. granny does the cookin, dad does the earning of money, sis's does the early "morning therepy", and disappeared into thin air after that, all that's left is done by me.

had to juggle goin down for trg at kallang and housework. so that explains why i'm always late for trg.(my apologies to ashley and linda) tried to look cheerful and vibrant on the outside, but underneath it, i'm half dead. dead beat.

yesterday's a good example. had to rush a lil more housework. rushed down for trg. tried my best to arrive b4 trg start, and i did. i was a step to heaven at that point. exhausted, physically and mentally drained.

honestly i have to admit that i couldn't perform as well today. became tired very very easily. bicep curls, 10-10. i couldn't really sustain as long as usual. i'm gonna break soon.

guess what i've on later?

a whole day of lookin after my mom. turned down ODEL's invitaion for an outing.(sry babe)

gonna be a long day tmr.

(not complaining here. but i'm really getting tired, very tired.)

** gonna doze off soon**

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will not be blogging for sometime till like probably end of this week?

sry guys, been busy lately.

will update asap ya.

**i jus have to learn to let go**

**peace out.....**

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i jus got this awesome new song.

but the problem is... i don't know the title.

can u guys out there gimme a hand? help me find out the title and artiste?

thanks alot.

-------------------------

JEl.... hope u're fine and stuff.

heard abt the bombin in bali. was worried abt u and the other students there.

curse those bombers. if they love exploding things or themselves up... go do it in their home. bomb up those they love(or do they have pple they love?).

so so so pissed of by those friggin terrorist. don't they have more construtive things to do than bombing up stuff?? go blast their ass off then.
i would love to see them sittin on a pile of C4s.

if by any chance u terrorist out there read this.

i curse u to eternal damnation. F*&k u all.

**pardon my language. things are kinda rough for me. trival stuff like these, i dun give a damn anymore.**

issit sorrow, sadness or anger?

can't sleep these few days.

resorted to drinking lots of honey and milk to sedate myself.

it works... to a certain extent. as u can see drinkin so much fluids before slp... i have to wake up in da middle of the night, moving in absolute darkness to the washroom.

why are all these things happenin to me now? isn't my life painful enuf?

jus hope what coach says is true. tough time don't last, tough man do. i'll keep it in mind.

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jus finish watching MY SASSY GIRL.

perfect movie to watch with ur beloved other half. but it seems to me that it ain't a good time to talk abt such friggin stuff.

can't really slp.

why?

u tell me.

i understand

i know

you need not say anythin more

get out..

get lost..

get away from everything.

does life really sucks w/o love?

or issit the person that make ur life living hell?

pain/suffering, do u have to go through all these jus to know that someone cares?

to you: i may not show my affection in the way u expect, neither will i do the things that will express my love for u. don't you worry, my love for you will never die. you have sacrificed much for me, these are all i can repay you.

to you: all the best.nothing else. you have everythin u need. u dun need anythin more frm me. all i can give u is a reluctant blessing. take it or leave it.

to you: harsh words, harsh reality. stop living in a life of fun and luxury. trust me. life ain't that all.

to you and you and you: don not take pple for granted. dun miss them when they are gone. do not weep. its ur fault. ur friggin fault, blame no one but urself.

to YOU: pls do ur friggin job well. there are pple out in this world that needs some of that friggin arrows of urs. pls shoot it well. damn you.

to you: if u think that i'm pissed. i am. if u think i'm vulgar i am. do u think that i'm in a bad mood, i am. but what makes u think i care abt what u think abt me?

life's never fair. it has never been for me.
for that friggin period of time, i thought that my life was actually gonna turn out alllllright. but no, instead it took a fall and plunged itself into eternal damnation. you don't friggin believe what i said. fine. wait till u get into the same situation as me. dun come beggin me for advice. get lost. u think u deserve any?
dun feel offended by what u are reading right now. dun.

why bother?

why care?

why share it with ur frenes?

issit very entertaining?

or are u laughing at a fool, trying so hard to stand up after a fall.

limit.

everyone has it.

dun cross mine. anyone... you have been warned.

even the most harmless creatures will defend and fight back when provoked.

plucking on my emotional strings. playing at tune, soothing to ur ears. at the expense of others.

you may think all these i wrote is abt you.

think again.

there are other you/s in my life.

you might jus be the one mentioned.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

I"M NOT OKAY(i promise)

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say
I never want to let you down or have you go
It's better off this way
For all the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
Remember when you broke your foot
From jumping out the second floor

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again
You sing the words but don't know what it means
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you'd read me like a book
But the pages are all torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay
(Trust me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

-------------------------

yesterday was a dramatic day, for me and for ma bruda rauf.
lets not get too much details in that ya.... he might not like it....

but it was all abt love. yesterday's a day of love.
my mom's in the hospital. visiting her.... signs of love.
rauf's thing.. also abt love.
anyways felt good after the whole drama, real good. as if i've done a million good deeds.

but i dun really see that kind of love surround me. what? do i have some kind of anti-love shield?

but anyways can't argue over that. maybe its retribution on my part.
stuff that i have done b4, may not be forgiven by that particular person. so maybe someone's punishing me?

i've repent, i will not let such things happen again. i've hurt u badly, i've seen u cry, i've seen u down, but u never knew that deep down, it pains my heart to see u so sad and hurt. you never know, i never let you know. i was selfish, i was dumb. i'm everything a guy shouldn't be. what else you want me to say? i'll suffer a million slaps, stabs.... or wateva.

another weird thing happened to me.

ok when we WERE together. i've got no idea but when XX has trouble or something had happened, i usually feel something, can't explain the feeling, but somehow i knew that somethin have happened to her.

i felt it yesterday.

i immediately msged her. but as usual she doesn't reply. worries me. i know i'm not the right person to be worrying but, i can't help it. so the whole night old memories flooded my brain banks. scenes of yester year, when she needed someone, i am there. but now.... things have changed, but not all things. feelings on my part, haven changed. what abt XX? doesn't seem the same.... i dun blame her. i deserve it.

anyways, if XX u're reading this, (i've got no idea how.) pls give me a msg or something. let me know u're fine and stuff, dun leave me hanging by the thread.

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