9Tuesday, May 31, 2005

its official......



2 more weeks.......




and .....



i'll be .......




dead..........



(u wish)........



18!!!!!!



feel kinda happy, yet sad.....



slowly edging closer to death.....



but what the heck.....



i wonder if any of my wishes from my wish list will be fulfilled.*hint.. hint*




** betta save some energy for trainin tmr**
**freshmen comin in......**
**mwhahahhaha......**
-------------------------

9Sunday, May 29, 2005

back from a very very exhaustin day of training.

today i've rowed been from a right rower to a left and finally a coxswain.
the day's been scorching like an oven, baking all of us to golden brown. but for me i ain't golden brown, i'm already at the region after being well down, more towards overcooked.......

head's spinning, high temp, dehydrated, the after-effects of a fruitful yet tiring training. been learning and improving myself on coxing boats. kinda cnfident of coxing the small boat, but for the big ones. i still need some time. i dun have practice and training on coxing. only some valuable tips and techniques from my seniors. and the only time i can practice is when i cox the big boat, if i screw up and somethings happen, i'm also gonna get screwed, from my coach. after several incidents, it left me very little confidence to cox the boat.

dun wry my team mates, i will not give up, and neither shall u. the race is coming, i've alreadi read DERRICK's letter.made me so encouraged and i start to feel the urgency. gonna train hard now. running, gym, pool trainin, sea training and pull ups( i've improved!).will not disappoint DERRICK or the seniors. my wound ain't heal, and i'm gonna get the medal for you, for NPDB for all of us. lets strive guys.

after all the inspirational talk i've gave.
came by her blog.(not accidentally, but routined)will always check her blog out. find out whats happening to her life.makes me feel like i'm partof her life, but in reality, it isn't. its jus like a piece of art, standing from a distance, admiring. fi she's down or sad, i'll be here but she'll never know, nor seek me out. the pain of admiration

to her i'm jus another name or nick appearing on msn.to me, it means that she's connected to me in some way and it makes me feel close to her.

how will she know? surrounded by peers and friends.she has all the love and care(and tv shows) she needs.

can feel the plight my parents are in now. trying to hard to pry into my life, but i jus shut them out. must be retribution eh?

anyways, i'm jus crapping away. gotta get some rest and relaxation.
training's on tmr ,gonna give it all i have.


**eyes grew weary and teary.**
**vision darkened.muscles relax to the slow tempo of the music**
-------------------------

9Thursday, May 26, 2005

today's the first day of skool for me after the long holidays.....

first day of skool and its so hard pulling myself outta the bed.
today's been a little slack..... not much studying.

but one thing's for sure..... i missed the prata, mee pok and ice jelly from canteen 3. always have either one of these 3 when i'm in canteen 3.became so routined that me friends could even guess what i'm gonna have next.


feels great to be back with all my classmates company.

must start tuning my brain back to the usual skool mood already. race's comin soon, must start pumping up my self-training.

anyways in my previous post i mention something abt falling in love with a few songs.

here's a couple of them.




-------------------------

9Wednesday, May 25, 2005

during the last week of the holidays...
i also had a dragonboat camp....

the thought of the trainin camp brought back "fond" memories of the previous one.the camp was from last fri to sun.
(thats y i wasn't very free during the week.)

the first day was a relax one. booked in arnd 5. our room is 02-02(nice number eh) above canteen 2. its air-conditioned!

went for some night trail. we walked to some place near kismis.think its some bukit timah nature thingy.....
i thot it wasn't that bad.... then the real challenge came.... we had to walk blindfolded!OMG......
it wasn't that bad.... felt kinda insecure at first but eventually it became fun!

after the fun and exciting night trail we went AL AZHAR to eat. (reminds me that she said that she used to come here to eat, *how i wish i could dine with her!*)had a hearty meal.

went back

watch an awesome movie REMEMBER THE TITANS, wonderful movie.
meaningful too.couldn't forget it.

the next day.
training starts.

the usual warm up with a lil extras.
the run came.... and it almost took ma life away with it. it was OLIVER and WAI LEONG who's leading. they ran so fast that when we reached canteen 4..... i was already gasping for oxygen like crazy....... had to go to relief myself too.
they had this challenge thingy also. we challenged ourselves to sprint up the flight of steps in blk 56(the new block beside convention). up the 6 storeys of stairs from one end of the builing to the other end.basically we sprinted up the flight of steps to lvl 6 and sprint all the way on lvl 6 from one end of the building to the other end and sprint down the steps, and back to the starting point.*sounds like hell?* (i wasn't panting much, bcos I DON"T HAVE THE TIME TO! i only starting gasping for air is when we stop at the starting point) and mind u guys, we did not only attempt once. we attempt like 4 times. challenging ouselves a faster timing each attempt. from a 2 min record we reduced it to a astonishing 30secs++!
u guess it right.... i almost vomitted when we finished.couldn't really take it.i was like 3/4 dead after that.after which we had some pool rowing.and some water excercise.


off to kallang.
still not confident coxing the big boat.lucky i was coxing the small boat today.


blah blah blah.....

dinner then movie again!
this time its THE LAST SAMURAI. cool movie. watch it several time already. great movie.*did i mention that BOB'S DA MAN*(if u dunnno, bob's the quiet samurai bodyguard of tom cruise in the show)

the next morning came.
the warm up came. most of us were late.then it became a learning point for all of us.ryan and some other seniors pointed out the team problems we have face these few days. we had to stay at the push up position for a whopping 15 mins and more! i am very embarrased of all the problems they had listed out. pespiration was "gushing" from all my pores available. soon my singlet was soaked till it started dripping my peespiration too. *can u imagine staying in the push up position for 15 mins +++++ under the morning sun and you are losing litres of water every min?*anyway it was punishment. couldn't complain.
felt we deserve it though.

vomitted*again* after the punishmentS. must be the little sleep, the punishments and the morning sun.
had pool rowing and some water excercises .

off to kallang. down for rowing today. had a great set with KEN as my partner. motivated each other. then coach called me to cox the big boat after a few sets.
cox big boat? shit.... not that i don't like coxing big boat its jus that i'm not so confident and not skillful enough.the first incident happened shortly. i couldn't control the boat. turned the rudder like crazy but only turned a little. had to stop. could see coach's irritated face. next incident happened shortly after again. made a huge mistake of turnin the boat when the boat is moving very fast. fault on the coxwains side. my boat collided with DAMIEN's boat. this time coach shouted at me.

after the sea rowing. felt very low. tried to put on a brave front so as not to let other know. think that my dream of becoming a skilled coxwain is vanishing. asking if i should continue making a fool outta myself, crashing and scolded. over and over again. think that i'm a lousy as hell coxwain. but decided to hang on.WILLIAM enocouraged both of us and even taught us new stuff. *thanks william*

had a meal b4 heading home.

was thinkin if the promise i made to OLIVER to be a ace coxwain will it be broken? cos at this rate.... i'm not contributing to the team but instead i'm slowing them down. pondered on this for quite sometime b4 weariness settled in. rested in bus.ont the train and finally home after the camp.
my bed never felt more comfortable.(its one of those time when i wish she was jus a call away or a breath away)

slept like a log .



**thats kinda all for the training camp i had**
** sudden liking for a few particular songs.will post it on my next post on their lyrics.**
** can't help thinkin abt her. its an unrequited relationship i know. can't help it. maybe this is jus things should be?**
** first day of skool later.... gtg get plenty of sleep.**
**peace.....**
-------------------------

9Thursday, May 19, 2005

finally.... i have some time to blog.
the online game server is exceeded.i'm all alone in my room. no one's bothering me.nice music. perfect to blog.

anyways i was busy for the past 1-2 weeks.
over lots of stuff.

firstly is sports camp.
way before thee actual camp for the freshies start. we as gls had a training camp and countless meetings. not to mention the time we have forked out, and the money of course.we even have to go down one day b4 the actual camp to prepare the place for the freshies.

the actual day came. the freshies started coming in arnd 8.30am.
Soon at arnd 9 am, there's a long long queue snaking all the way arnd the sports hall. met a few from my secondary sch. also saw a few of my frenes in the queue. was kinda excited over the camp. my grp, PYXIS, all the gls are all psyched up over the camp as we knew we are gonna give it all out to make the camp the best they ever had.

but what do u know? at the end of the day, things were different.we were all physically and mentally drained. not bcos of the running abt that we constantly have to do, but its the constant complains and whining of the freshies that pulled our morale and enthusiasm way low.

they were always comparing it to FOC camp which was held a few days b4 the sports camp.some even wanted to go home! having all these complains and whining really brought my mood to a record low. it was so so so different in the morning when we are preparing to welcome the freshies. i even bothered styling my hair!

the complains didn't subside. i realised that my grp wasn't the only one facing the same problem. all the excuses they give us, jus wanting to go home. some even said: "erm, i think i have a headache. can i go home?". i mean, what the heck? headache? wanna go home? either they really really spoilt or they suck at giving excuses.

for me, things got worse the second day. the day started as planned. afternoon we had various CCA "booths" arnd the field and track.the unlucky chain of happenings started when i wanted to try out for high jump.everything was
a-okay , when i landed, i think my legs hit the pole, the pole bounced off the rack, and bounced onto my face.all i could do was to lie there and await the "sentence", i stared at the pole as it came closer and closer to my face and WHAM.... it hit my left eye.i thought everything was ok.thinking that it will only have a bump. but as i touched my left brow. i felt that it was wet, and as i stood up, my fellow GLs gasp in horror as i did not only have a bump, but i was bleeding, and it was kinda flowing down onto my face,(reminds me of some horror flick with all the blood everywhere.). the sweet and helpful LORRAINE, my CGL quickly took some wipes to wipe my blood off. i slowly walked towards the grandstand and sat on the steps. blaming myself as i walked there. not only did i not clear the high jump, but i injured myself while doing so. i feel so ashamed of myself.

cleaned the wound. a stinging effect.could only open my right eye for a while.after cleanin it, catched up with m y grp. they went to the next station.track.

it was sprinting.as my sandals was kinda giving way.i thought of taking my sandals off and run. the weather was alright, the track wasn't too hot. ADHA passed the baton to me. sprint like crazy . was leading.after the sprint. my feet felt kinda pain. i took a look at my feet and , OMG. my skin split opened! my left feet! there was a huge tear on the sole. and i could see a flap of skin(more like flesh to me) dangling. i think at that time, my body system had already kicked in and i dun feel any pain. AI ZAI! slowly with style, i walked slowly to the first aid room.

ARRRRGGHHHHhhh!
i slowly took a scissors and snipped of the flesh.exposing the raw red flesh underneath. then the inevitable word came out of YU TING's mouth: " i think u have to wash the wound.". i thought to myself. OMG, walking to here is alreadi hell for me, wash my wound? expose the raw flesh to the cold gushing water of the tap? (to some pple, hearing this already brought goosebumps to them). the caring EUNICE slowly supported me to the gents, whereby i brought my feet up to the sink and, WHOOOOOSH.... the water came hitting and gushing on the wound. YEAH.... at that time, i thought i would pass out, the pain was unbearable,i gritted my teeth and grabbed onto the concrete wall. i think if i would have held the basin, i would rip it off. after the painful ordeal, i do not have any once of energy in me.

limping back to the first aid room(the KTV lounge in our skool). ZEAN(i think this is how her name is spelt).she used the alcohol swipes to disinfect my wound. ARGHHHHH....... grabbed onto the cushion.and i could only let out a squeal.two painful ordeals left me without any more energy.

can u imagine? two unlucky incidents happening within 5 mins?
felt like crap.

throughout the rest of the camp, u can see my limping on one leg. (something like the terry fox run).its so strenuous, and tiring to walk all day, supporting on one feet.together with the lousy attitude that the freshies gave us. i was thinkin: "why am i doing all these for? i could jus go home and rest my feet.why am here wasting my time? the freshies dun listen to us." and yet during the night games, i was trying so hard to keep up with them, walking all over the skool, going up slopes, climbing stairs, and even walking seems like a feat to me.

luckily, their attitude changed for the better as time slowly passed by. felt that all my hardowork and limping was worth it.

campfire was fun.had a gr8 time.did i mention that the food in the camp was delicious? i was always looking forward to the meals. eating packets after packets of food. i even set a record of eating 3 packets of food,3 packets of drinks and 2 servings of dessert.

last night came. no lights out. there came the RAPE SQUAD. going arnd "raping" the male GLs. ripping their undies apart. unfortunately, i was one of the targets, and there goes my undies, without em, i feel so so so insecure.ha....

book out day.everyone had a gr8 time in the camp. everyone look tired.did i mention that PYXIS also had an alliance with HYDRUS, our alliance became PYDRUS. our alliance is one of its kind and togther we had alliance cheers, bringing the other grp cheers to shame.

anyways, thats basically the sports camp that i had.





*i think my post is very very long already, think i betta stop*
**missed her during camp, dunno why. i tried not to think abt her, but it seems very hard**
**feeling tired too......nites everyone.**
**peace............**
-------------------------

9Friday, May 06, 2005

decided no to talk more abt my trip to genting.
even though is a fun trip, i ain't in the mood.

i wondered whats my purpose in life?
to study hard? earn money? being filial? etc.....
am i living on just bcos of these?why can't i jus let go of everything?
pple indulge in material goods, food, fun. ain't all these jus electromagnetic pulses sent to ur brain?are u gonna bring all these when u leave this world?man i'm so troubled... over things... lots of things. i can't seem to get answers for them too......
reminds me of RYAN of THE O.C
his life was screwed up........ became better after a kind soul came and save him, the story goes on.meet his girl. had a great time.
so when is my saviour gonna come and save me?
or is the only time when my saviour comes to save me is when i'm clinging onto the fine line of live and death? and my saviour is gonna bring me to a place away from this troubled land?


man...... .
come to think..... i haven watched THE O.C season 2 after episode 2.
any kind soul out there can possibly answer my prayers?
the last time a saviour answered my prayers was aeons ago.


black and white.the colour of my blog. my favourite colour now. monotonous. like my life now.

the friggin net is so slow. trying so so hard to dl THE O.C. the com is definitely going against me.


drifting further away......... can't seem to have the right words. she seem like a prized trophy on the rack that i jus can't seem to reach.


fate.destiny.faith.courage.love.guts.life.fun.happiness.
all these are jus words,not feelings, they dun seem to be part and parcel , neither do they fit into the jig saw of my life.


pain.suffering.lost.anger.fustration.desperation.disappointment.death
i seem to take comfort in these words instead.one man's meat is the other man's poison. you might find it weird that i actually find these words comforting instead of others,rest assured. i'm not going mad. i'm jus going through another stage of my life.



**avoiding the reality of life**
**shunning away from the one that i want so much to get close**
**seeking refuge in the harsh yet comforting world of my own**
-------------------------

9Thursday, May 05, 2005

everything seems to be going against me.....
nothings seems right......

day started off as usual.....only for a few aches on the body.

the usual booming of the speakers frm the "deaf" sister i have. early in the morning and she has to turn up the volume to watch tv. had the usual breakfast. then my sister came to my room showing me what her frenes got her for her upcoming birthday.(i don't know whether to believe her or not) anyways. guess what her frenes got for her?

a friggin nice SONY CYBERSHOOT 7.1 megapix digi camera. when i see it i say what the heck? her bf bought her like a MOTOROLA RAZAR V3 for her like one week ago! and if that wasn't bad enough..... she pulled out another "toy" (as she said) an IPOD MINI. its everything i could ever wish for! but none of them is mine. then she came up with some crap to borrow my lappie to charge her IPOD, i mean like its ok, but then i told her not to install anythin on my com, then thats when the arguing comes in. (what the hell man..... its my com and i like it as it is, the last time she secretly installed something on my com, i was so furious, she did it without me knowin! imagine it is ur personal laptop and pple violate it.). then she left my room.

man i was so so so irritated. she even said: " wait till i get my laptop". that like....i was so irritated that i told her not to waste anymore money as the reason she's working now is so that she could chip in for her university school fees... and blardy hell she's spendin her money like no business. i know its like no business of mine but i still have to tell her.

after lunch, my mom instructed me to buy a 10kg pack of rice from the supermart. went to buy.remembered that i also have to laminate somethin too. but how am i gonna hold it when i have a flimsy 10kg pack of rice? so i thought that i could entrust the laminating job to my sis, as she's leaving the house too. the shop is like a few steps from the mrt station she's heading.

thinkin that everything's fine. i went to play my games.

first part of hell over......

when my father came home. he noticed that the paper that was supposed to be laminated is still on the table. i didn't noticed it. i thought to myself,this is gonna be so so so screwed.my very very imaptient and short tempered father than went to his room.i told him that i thought sis had took it for lamination. but at the bottom of my heart i knew that its no use, he thinks i'm bull shittin him.

later when he emerged from his room, he had the usual uber black face. that can practically kill u. even the atmosphere is deadly. thats when the bad mood starts, and as i'm typing now, he's still in a bad mood.

mom came home. i was jus abt to sit down and start playing games when my father came and reprimanded me."u think ur mom is not tired? can u help her with the stuff she's doin?" . i mean like what the heck man. i'll do my housework after she's done eating. thats what i usually do. now i'm being reprimanded?i know that my father thinks that i'm some lazy bum that only cares abt playing games the whole day. i'm not the sort, i'm jus a little on the games but if u instructed me to do something i'll definitely do it, if i have known that my untrustworthy sis had not done what i have ask her to, i'll gladly go down and do it myself.

man..... this whole week hasn't been the best for me.

tried chattin with HER but, every occasion she's busy with something. felt like i was irritatin her. (so even when she's like online i did not talk to her, didn't wanna irritate her anymore).love problems, family problems, nothin seem right.

felt like there's no aim in my life. probably only dragonboating.the only thing that was ok is the decision to be a coxswain. thats the only good thing that happened to me.

my life's kinda screwed up ya?

**no mood to blog anymore**
** not chattin with her too.**
**probably jus gonna sit back and listen to some music, hoping that it MIGHT sooth some of my messed up nerves**
-------------------------

9Tuesday, May 03, 2005

hey guys....
came to hear of this song .....
found it nice and meaningful.... at the same time.... it goes out to.....*you guys should know who*.... SHE
(the songs kinda express what i dare not say)

finally we reached the peak..... GENTING.

stepping out of the bus..... the air never smelt so fresh and good. probably its bcos its early early in the morning. i thought that it will be a wonderful start for a wonderful day. but did i mention before that happiness is shortlived. we have to queue up to book in. looking at the counters, it stretched from one end to the other of the lobby. i thought to myself that it'll be a breeze. but i was wrong. we got a number , 0094. i thot that we jus have to wait a teeny weeny bit. to my horror i looked at the info board, Currently serving: 0012. OMG..... argh! i wanted to pull out every strand of my hair. you mean that i travelled so long on the bus and i have to wait even longer for a room? secs seems like mins, mins like hours , hours like days. we arrived at GENTING at arnd 4++ in the morning and we were only served arnd 7++ . i mean like what the hell. they have so many friggin counters and they do not even use 1/3 of it. whats the use of building so many counters when they don't even open them? after serving us, we still have to do some admin stuff, and alas we got our room. and we reached our room at arnd 8++ i mean like what kind of lousy hotel requires the customer to wait 4++ hrs before they can step into their room.

i was lucky to share a room with ma brudder, KOK YI. we changed our rooms so that we will have a connected room with ma brudders, OWEN and ERVIN. we laid down our stuff and off we went to dreamland. ZZzzzZZZZzzz.......


we met @ arnd 10.30am. went to the outdoor theme park. had a great time there. had all kinds of rides. thrilling ones, wet ones, super fast ones, u name it they have it. even boring ones! sadly the most exciting one was closed. or else u can expect a throwing ups when the are done.(if u want me to cover all the rides, it will take ages). they even have "go karts", i used a " " bcos their go carts are not like the usual ones u see in ESCAPE Theme park. they are so so so SLOW! i bet my grandma could walk faster than it.



** man its tiring to cover everything in one post**
**stay tuned for the next part of Gareth's trip to Genting**
**till then..... Stay tuned**
-------------------------